


Armor-ous...in...tentions? IDK.

by athos



Series: Tumblr Shorts [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Gen, Inspired by fan art, Maker bless drawsshits, crack!fic, everyone thinks Hawke is hot, implied past Hawke/Isabela, ineffectual armor, sartorial screw-ups, the fourth wall is a lie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 13:55:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10595385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athos/pseuds/athos
Summary: Robbers steal all of Hawke's armor.Except for the set Isabela got him as a joke (Maker, he hopes it was a joke).





	

This fic was inspired by [drawsshits'](http://drawsshits.tumblr.com/) amazing [drawing of Hawke](http://drawsshits.tumblr.com/post/157052460596/un-shit-yourself)

 

* * *

 

 

“You got _what_?”

“I _said,_ ‘I got _robbed’,”_ Hawke snarled.

Varric looked at the others: Fenris looked disgusted, Sebastian had turned around and was loudly praying for patience, Anders had “subtly” moved behind a waist-high shrubbery and hadn’t blinked since Hawke has stepped out of his Hightown mansion. The ladies hadn’t arrived yet. Apparently he was on his own.

“How does ‘I got robbed’ lead to you wearing _that?”_ he asked, gesturing meaningfully at Hawke’s–well, at Hawke.

Hawke sighed. As he shifted his weight, the shiny chains resting on his muscular torso chimed against each other. “It _means_  that this is the only armor that wasn’t stolen!”

“And _why_ ,” Fenris growled, “do you even have that…that…”

“Armor?” Varric supplied helpfully.

“ _Venhedis! NO_!” the elf shouted, glowing in agitation. “That--that _abomination_  that he is wearing is **not**  armor!”

Clanking alerted them to Aveline’s approach. “Fenris, I saw you lighting up two blocks away; what–” Steel screeched to a halt on the dusty pavement. Aveline looked at Hawke. Hawke stared mulishly back. Varric held his breath.

Aveline wordlessly turned around and clanked away.

In the pregnant silence that followed, Anders asked, “I thought I was your ‘abomination’, Fenris. Who knew your disdain was so fickle?”

Stepping between them, Varric loudly asked, “Hawke, seriously, where did you get that?”

Hawke scratched his chest hair–a goodly amount, for a human, but nothing compared to Varric. “It was from when  Isabela and I were fucking on the regular. She brought it as a joke costume, you know… to ‘spice things up’.”

“Oh, Maker, yes,” Anders moaned. Everyone looked at him. He ducked further behind the shrubbery.

“Well, not that you don’t look _stunning_ ,” Varric said, “but we have Qunari rampaging and the city is burning, and unless you have one hell of a shield crammed up your ass–”

“Ugh! That’s the worst of it,” Hawke groaned, turning and giving all of them a peerless view of his bare ass bisected with a thong of shiny leather. “Absolutely  **n** **o**  protection for my second-best bits.” He cupped his ass protectively.

Varric couldn’t look away, not even when he heard branches rustling and the familiar squabbling of Fenris and Anders getting louder.

“Shove over, Mage!”

“Hey! I was here first! Why do you need the bush, anyways?”

“I–that–I simply can’t bear to be any closer to that horrible excuse for armor.”

“Ha! A likely story. I suppose that’s a ‘disapproval boner’ you’re trying to hide with your hands?”

“SHUT UP, MAGE. You were here first!”

“I _knew_ you fancied Hawke!”

“Ugh, just like a mage to be aroused at useless frippery like that.”

“YOUR HYPOCRISY IS UNJUST,” boomed Justice. Fenris yelped and jumped out from behind the bushes, knocking over Merrill and stopping Isabela in her tracks. "AND SO IS YOUR KINKSHAMING."

“Well, well, well!" cooed Isabela, batting her eyelashes at Fenris. "I see that big greatsword of yours is just practice for an even _greater_  sword!” 

“Was that dirty?” Merrill asked, looking around. “It sounded dirty. Oh! Hawke! You look…um… lovely?”

And everyone looked at Hawke again who, at that unfortunate moment, was adjusting his first-best-bits in the flimsy codpiece.

Isabela _screeched._  The two Stens stealthily approaching stopped in their tracks, looked at each other, and silently decided to come back with reinforcements. Lots and lots of reinforcements.

“ _Oh my Maker, you’re actually wearing it!!!_  But Hawke!” Isabela exclaimed, hand on her heaving bosom, “This is _hardly_  the time!”

“I KNOW THAT!” hollered Hawke. “It was the only armor those dastardly thieves left me!”

“What?”

“…’dastardly’?”

Steel stomped toward them again, and Aveline threw a cloak over Hawke.

 _“NOOOOOOOOO!!”_ Anders or Justice –- or both of them -– objected mournfully.

“Right.” Aveline took in the scene: Isabella looked like it was Satinalia _and_  her birthday _and_  ‘busty pirates get free ships day’, Merrill looked politely confused, both Fenris and Anders (and… **and**  Justice!) were trying and failing to hide their erections. “Apparently we’re saving the city from the Qunari. Or we could just make for the hills, because I’m not betting my life that the Arishok will die from mere laughter. Not even from this travesty.”

“NO! SUCH A RESPONSE WOULD BE UNJUST.”

“Thank you, Justice–”

“THE JUST RESPONSE WOULD BE TO BANG THAT LIKE A SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE.”

“Get in line!” Fenris snarled.

“Um, what’s a hurricane?” Merrill asked.

“Ooh!” Isabela cheered. “I get to watch! And dibs!”

Aveline rubbed her forehead with her hand, trying to ignore the squabbling erupting in front of her. “Master Tethras.”

“Guard Captain,” Varric replied.

“Any ideas?”

“I’m afraid not. I have no idea how to end this.”

"Maybe a 'fade to black'?”

“No!" Varric exclaimed, scandalized. "‘Fade to black’ is only used by hack writers who get in over their head, or professors writing crack!fic between classes and who suddenly realize they have to be all adult and professional in five minutes. Besides, if I ‘fade to black’ _now,_  the reader will thing we’re _all_  banging!”

“Well, you know what the alternative is!”

“You mean, 'It was all a dream'? Maker’s tits, that’s even worse!”

"Well, we're not exactly spoiled for choice, now, are we?. Hey, where did Sebastian go?"

"...Seb...astian?" Varric trailed off, frowning intensely.

"You forgot you wrote him into the story, didn't you?"

"I would never!"

Aveline looked knowingly at him. "Riiiiight. A brief cameo is all he's good for, then?"

Varric sputtered guiltily.

"I bet he was praying, too. Praying with Andraste's face nestled right up on his crotch, poor woman."

—

Carver woke up, covered in cold sweat and gasping. He groaned. “Ugh, never again am I going to try to out-drink Oghren…”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments make me fart glitter!


End file.
